Worst Souvenir Ever

My fantastic sister Chelle, her husband and two very lucky children have just returned from one whole month in Vanuatu.

(Thats my niece Sian and nephew Finn exploring)

They ate, relaxed by the beach...and by all accounts not much more than that went on. Yes, I am jealous.

Chelle and I have a game going where when one of us goes on a holiday, we bring back the absolute tackiest and most hideous souvenir we can find.

What makes this game even more delightful for me, is that my sister has impeccable taste. Really. Her house is so beautifully themed in black, white and silver all the time. If her children have ever made a mess in their lives, i've never seen it. Even her bedroom (which in my house is a quick-throw-the-clean-clothes in-and-hope-they-know-their-own-way-to-the-wardrobe-themselves situation) is flawless.

The idea of a wonderfully tacky, gaudy souvenir existing in her Modern Housekeeping haven tickles me to bits.

In 2008 I went to Fiji (WORST.HOLIDAY.EVER. No really- it was my 21st and I spent the whole time fighting with my ex and pretty much broke up with him the second plane landed, baha.)

I purchased these little delights for Chelle to proudly showcase-

(Coincidentally I found a pic of the exact same dolls at this fantastic website, Crap Souvenirs.)

Yes. Coconut dolls. They also double as ash-trays- their little creepy mouths pop open, munching butts. (Cigarette butts, that is.)

Everytime I went to Chelles house I asked where she had these little gems were, acting all offended if they werent on prominent display (which of course, they never were.)

When my sisters shed went up in flames, I like to think that in my sisters mind, the only silver lining was that these little coconut people were destroyed.

I thought I had won this game.

OH NO.

Look at this treasure that came all the way from Vanuatu for me-

You should have SEEN the smirk on my sisters face.

I have named her Babs. Im not sure why, she just seems like a Babs to me.

What I didnt expect was for Billasaurus Rex to have such an extreme reaction to it. He is a very mellow, easy going, chilled out kind of guy, but as soon as he saw Babs he FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.

He cant even articulate why- I think its something to do with the evil grin she is giving.

And so- because I like to push boundaries and find out just how good natured Billasaurus Rex really is- I am being a menace with Babs.

The first day I put it in front of his keyboard, knowing he would get home from work, flop down in front of the computer, and Babs would be glaring straight at him from behind that evil one eye.

I thought that would be the end of it. I would even go so far as to say I was smug when I came home. The first thing I did was check the mail-

Oh, its on like Donkey Kong.

Billasaurus Rex is currently playing pool with his friends. What am I doing? Plotting like a maniac my next move, giddily wandering around rooms thinking of the best possible spot for Babs to pop up and freak him out next.

Some contenders?

Babs waiting to pounce from BR's favourite breakfast meal like a satanic cereal box toy.

Relaxing by his favourite drinks when he will come home and reach for one...

Subtly hiding near the frozen goods? (Yes, my freezer is atrociously organised.)

Or, how about greeting him when he gets up in the middle of the night to go pee, still groggy from his slumber?

(My Mum does love a wooden toilet seat and sponged powder blue bathroom decor.)

So, whats your vote?

Do you have any suggestions for placed to hide Babs and horrify Billasaurus Rex?

Golden Globes

Yes people, lets look at this years Golden Globe Fashion.

First: BRIGHT COLOURS!

First off- before I address the weirdness in the boob area- why is Kelly Osbourne at the GG?
But I digress. It seems to be just this photo, but there is some odd pointyness in the boob area of Kelly's dress. A million smurfs died for this creation, yet none of their tiny little hands could stitch the bust up properly.

Maria Menounos in canary yellow. I generally dont like yellow, but im digging this on her! I do think it looks a little ill-fitting at the top of her stomach though.

Natalie Portman channeling Marilyn Monroe singing 'Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend'. I notice like Angelina (who mwe will get to shortly) that she is donning the 'red sash on top of boobs with matching bag look'. Is this a new trend? Quick, im going to need some sashes! Im not a big fan of this one. Natalie has such a lovely figure, and she kind of looks swamped in a giant pink plastic tablecloth from a kids party.

Hi, Laura Dern! I have no idea who you are, or why I should have heard of you. But emerald green and sparkly, I'm on board. She has a beautiful decollatage, and that sparkly v neck trim looks great.
I love the way it hangs- for a long sleeved, floor length gown, or any gown for that matter, there is nothing dowdy about this at all.

Reese, was your hairdresser busy?
Love the dress, this shade of red really suits her. Reese always looks amazing, which is why we can forgive her for this hair, which isnt terrible, but not as polished as the dress calls for.

Oh, Emma Stone. You make me want to be a redhead so, so badly. (Ive heard rumours she is a natural blonde though?) Love everything about this, especially the plunging neckline, and those little glitzy cap sleeves. Elegant, without being boring and predictable. Eggplant elongates her elegant...elephant? Illiterations were never my strong point.

TILDA! Yes, yes, yes!
She will forever be the Ice Queen roaming around Narnia offering small children Turkish Delight to me (wait...now you mention that, thats actually quite creepy).
Hair is fantastic, the colour of her dress really suits her skintone, and the way the fabric twists highlights her waist perfectly.

THE UGLY:

I love you Melissa McCarthy. I do. You stole the show in Bridesmaids, crack me up in Mike & Molly, and I even recall loving you from your Gilmore Girls days.
BUT. I can only forgive you so much.
Ive never said this before on my blog, but I used to be a size 22. It was hell finding every day clothes, even simple things like a white teeshirt or black pants. And im not talking 'difficult to find the perfect item', im talking 'difficult to find basics in your size AT ALL'.
That being said- this is not the best look on Melissa. Only last week I saw an amazing pic of her in head to toe black sequins, which wowwed me. This? A bit of a stretchy, shapeless, mumu.

From the waist up, another impeccable pic of Charlize Theron.
The colour of this dress paired with her flawless complexion is a dream.
But around the knees, WTF? Its bunchy at the front and flowing at the back, its a mullet. A layered, expensive material mullet. I know you have great legs Charlize, they make me wretch with jealousy. Choose a dress- short or long?! Both is not a viable option! It's Billy Ray Cyrus in dress form!

NO. Just NO.

Once when I was a little girl (as opposed to that time I was a little iguana) my Mum was baking a sponge cake before my Nana came over for tea. My Nana was a farm girl, and cooked a sponge every day for when the workers came in for morning tea. Baking standards were high.

Unfortunately my Mum's sponges were never quite right. They were often more like rock cakes, but dammit Mum was going to get it right this time!

My Mum was lightly folding the batter with a metal spoon, ensuring she didnt overbeat it, or else she would end up once again with one of the afore mentioned rock cakes.

She turned to begin washing the dishes, probably pleased with her efforts so far.

I had been playing with homemade play dough that Mum had made for me earlier. (A fair amount of that salty, malleable gold was consumed.)

I had watched Mum earlier put the food dye in to my playdough. It fascinated me how it took the smallest amount of dye to make such vibrant colour. I figured surely Mum needed her sponge to be beautifully coloured, to impress Nana.

I picked up that little squeeze bottle of blue dye, and poured every last drop into the cake mix.

I started to panic- even 5yo me knew this was a little too blue.

Picking up the metal spoon that was calmly folding the mixture only moments earlier, I frantically mixed, hoping the vibrant blue colour would perhaps fade away.

Sarah Michelle Gellars dress reminds me of that mix. My bottom hurts just thinking about it. Lol

(Incidentally, that sponge was the lightest, fluffiest sponge Mum had ever made, and I will never forget the look on my Nanas face when she spied what looked like a giant, iced Blu Loo block sitting on our bench.)

THE WINNERS IN MY VIEW

Evan Rachel Wood, looking hot to trot! If I was Jamie Bell I would want to marry her too! Loving the dark sequins, mix of different colours, and the plunging neckline that is sexy, without having everything hanging out. Great eyebrows too.

Yes, im going to sing Angelinas praises like every other second person.
As soon as i saw the way the fabric was draped around her hips...swoon. Fits like a glove, and she actually looks a lot healthier than we have been seeing her lately. Angelina looks poised, beautiful, and Hollywood perfection. The flash of red adds a point of interest, and sits high on her collarbones. Im glad this dress didnt have a low neckline too, I think it looks perfect the way it is. Classy.

Kate Winslet knows exactly what flatters her. That milky white skin, peeping out from the black keyhole in the dress, is stunning. The belt and the earrings are delicate and really finish off this dress. Those curves in the white skirt, love em. Insanely jealous. And that perfectly arched brow? I like to think even poised Kate is giving Sarah Michelle the 'Bitch Please' face over that disaster of a dress.

I have to stop here...I could look at these pics all night!!

Brace Yourself.

After two, almost three, years of being a brace face, metal mouth, train tracks, nerdlinger and a doofus (that last one had nothing to do with my braces, I just kinda am one) I AM BRACES FREE!

I had horrendous teeth as a teen. Alot of people that now have perfect teeth blabber on about how bad their teeth used to be- but please, I beseech you please- believe me when I say mine were quite the lookers.

Protruding from my mouth, and resting on my lower lip from when I first got teeth, were two giant PK sized buck teeth. Just popping out to say 'allo. Or rather, yellow, as the case may have been.

I hated photos, I hated mirrors, I hated those stupid beaver teeth with a passion. Over time though, they had become just part of 'me', and I had just accepted them. (As much as any insecurity riddled teen can, who already has frizzy curls, a monobrow and is chubby to boot)

My parents had 7 kids. Yes- that shit be crazy.

Unfortunately for me, (and my older sister, who was blessed with the same teeth as I) braces were just not a financial option for us.

Fast forward to 2008 and here I was, with my first real "grown up" job at the age of 21. I had just lost a bunch of weight, and a friend of mine had gotten braces and now her teeth were AMAZING. I thought I'd go for a consult, look at the price, faint, then give up on that idea (like i tend to do with most of my ideas, heh)

Once I found out they offered payment plans, BAM. I had those babies slapped on quicker than you could imagine. Im glad too, if I had of known how much they freaking hurt I might have changed my mind!

So now here I am, with straight teeth, no more of those stupid tiny spiral brushes designed to get stray bits of food goo out of my teeth (if you think thats gross, try eating a sandwhich and dealing with bread in your braces), constantly running my tongue over my teeth because they feel SO DAMN SMOOTH! And straight!

I wont be posting a photo just yet. They need to be whitened desperately, and unfortunately I have two fillings to be done in those tricky spots where my teeth used to be all higgedy-piggedy and crossed over, which now straightened are quite obvious.

Pics coming soon!

But just imagine- soon I will be able to smile AND SHOW MY TEETH! I have been doing the catbum pursed lipped smile forever!

In the meantime, you can ogle Gwen in her pink haired, braced glory. I love that she got the braces and thought 'Fuck it, im going all out', and didnt try to blend in or make them less noticeable.

I Love You?

If your relationship was absent of those three little words, how would you feel?

Are those words when a relationship really starts, or a nice addition to an already great relationship?

Is it more important to hear that phrase, than to be treated with love?

Billosaurus Rex and I have been in a relationship for almost 18 months. I have been happier in these quick months than I ever was in the previous 6 years with my ex.

Yet, those 'I Love You' words have been elusive. At first I was too scared to even think about them- my previous relationship was catastrophic and I didnt think Id ever feel that way again. And then...I started to.

Initially, I was indignant that I would not say them first. (Ridiculous, in hindsight.)

The words danced on my lips every kiss, every laugh, and every smile we were together.

And then this NYE they finally tumbled out (when I was drunk no less.)

In return, the man who I love so dearly, replied with....nothing.

Not a word.

And so my followers: What would you do? Wait patiently for them to be returned? Abandon ship?

Watch This

Do you wear a watch?

Ive just realised I havent worn one in years.

Watches are such a personal thing, and I find them quite hard to choose.

The watch I wore everyday for 6 years was very special to me- My ex bought it with his first ever paycheck, and it used up every last cent. It's not because the watch was ridiculously expensive, but we were 18 and he had earnt that money in the first week of his apprenticeship.

When we broke up I stopped wearing it.

My second watch was my Nana's. She died in 2008, and the watch found its way to me. It hasnt worked since goodness knows when, it pinches my arm hairs and is uncomfortable on my wrist, its got dust in the crevices probably older than I am, its yellow gold when I normally wear white, and Im pretty sure its not worth anything.

I absolutely adore it.

I used to steal glances at it when I was a little girl, watching my Nana pour my tea into a cup and saucer. I felt so grown up!

Im on the hunt for a new watch. Something thats not flashy (although if I was gifted a Dior VIII I would have to accept it!), expensive, chunky, or out there.

So a question for my (modest amount of) readers:
What do you do with jewellery from an ex? Do you wear it and just see it as a pretty piece, or are you constantly reminded of your old relationship? Do you pop it in your drawer to gather dust, or even sell?

Heres a house with a wall, with a wall, with a wall...

Necklace: Polli from Goose

Theres a little store in my suburb that is full of little treasures, and I poke around every chance I get.

It's called Goose, and the team who run it have impeccable taste. The jewellery is always off-beat and interesting- but usually way out of my budget.

Before Christmas I popped in and eyed off a laser cut necklace. I peeked at the tag and decided that $70 was too expensive for a litle necklace like that, it wouldnt go with anything, cue all rational decisions to persuade myself out of buying something that a week before Christmas in a family as large as mine, I simply couldnt afford.

Fast forward to Christmas Day, and my Mum (who can be quite hit and miss in the old pressie department, but I always treasure her presents nevertheless!) is watching me open my present from her. Imagine my surprise when I opened a gift voucher to that cute little store, for the EXACT amount that I needed for the necklace! My Mum must be stalking my thoughts, because I hadnt told anyone about the necklace. (Oh god, I hope she isnt stalking my thoughts.)

I practically skipped through the doors.

The Polli website is listed above, and is fantastic. There are heaps of other designs, and I was glad to see they are made from stainless steel, not some unknown metallic flimsy plastic alot of similar looking necklaces are.

I wore my new necklace proudly to work today, and the only comment came from my clueless male team member who asked-

"Did you get that from *Nearby Restaurant*? Is it a souveir like how Hogs Breath sell that weird hog? It really looks like *Nearby Restaurant*."

Uh, no.

One of those cliched 'Year In Review' posts

Yup, 2011 has disappeared. I may be one of the last people in the world to realise this fact, except for those currently in comas, and WOW will they be shocked when they wake up.  (I'm sorry- comas arent funny. Commas, now they sometimes are, when, placed, hilariously. That was not one of those times )



I dont count Jan 1st as a 'real' day. Technically its that one day that my resolutions should kick in, I should bound out of bed, powered by my motivation to my new goals.


The reality is that I awoke on Jan 1st, and groaned. Then sighed. Then rolled over and did a complicated move of groaning and sighing, hoping to incite some feelings of sympathy from my long-suffering boyfriend, Billosaurus Rex. (Yes, I actually call him that.   Patly because it involves his name, and partly because sometimes he is kind of a big oaf, clueless with an iPhone and remotes, and has tiny arms in comparison to the rest of his giant, smaller dinosaur eating body. I kid, I kid.)

                                                                                                                       Source: How Stuff Works with a little detail drawn on!

In my mind, he was looking at me thinking, 'You are the love of my life, I just want to care for you and fluff the pillows around your precious head, and how do you feel about freshly squeezed juice of my home grown fruit?'

In reality, he was assessing the rumpled, hair matted, eyelash extensions half hanging off, maybe slightly drooling, clammy mess.

Finally, after a good 5 minutes of more poorly acted groaning and sighing (An Oscar winner, unfortunately, I will never be), he finally exclaimed 'Alright!! I'll go get you hotcakes! Geez.'

And thats why Jan 1st isnt a 'real' day. I am not equipped to function on that day. And, I gobble hotcakes like a frantic evil gremlin.

So, here I am, finally admitting 2011 is over. Lets take a minute to create a musical montage of the year that was. (You will have to provide your own music, gosh, I cant do everything around here.)

Imperative, Integral and other Important sounding words Events that happened in 2011-

• Billosaurus Rex and I had our first Valentines Day together. It wasnt that momentous. I would even say it was heinously disappointing. Better luck next year, eh.

• Sadly, our family lost a member. Auntie Kassie (really my great aunt) lived a long, fulfilling and happy life, reaching the grand old age of 96. I wish she could have gotten to 100, to receive her long awaited telgraph from the queen- she was a royalist through and through. She was also a self made woman, never had children, and was a true feminist. Im really proud that she was my Auntie.

• I made a huge leap career-wise, and began studying as a mature aged student at uni, full-time. This was a massive decision, one that affects my work (now part-time), my future (hopefully at the end of this I'll be a primary school teacher!), my lifestyle (Im broke), my relationship and friendships (I barely have time for human functions let alone catching up) and my sanity. (I dont have any.)

• I got a promotion at work. Woo for now being responsible for others!

• My sister got pregnant, after thinking she could no longer have children!

• One of my closest friends, K, got married to the most perfect man in the world for her. They met 4 years ago at 5am in a nightclub when were all under the weather, they went home with each other, and casually saw each other a few more times *cough shag buddies cough*,  when she fell pregnant! He stuck around, they bought a house and a business, planned and had another beautiful kidlet, and now are married! I truly believe there is no perfect track or pathway to your great love.

• I saw an amazingly accurate psychic, B. She is phenomenal- everything she said has come to fruition, and although I was a sceptic initially, I know have complete faith in her.

Is that all I did in a whole year? I'm sure there was more. TBH I kind of cant be assed thinking back, lets move to the future of 2012!